I’m getting out of a complicated love-hate relationship. She demands my attention 24/7. Whenever I try to live my independent life, there’s the same pattern–she brings up all the shit from the past then manipulates my emotion into submission. I lapse. She drives me crazy, and I’d settle down with her if only she was gentle from time to time.

Her name is Busyness.

She was always in my life. She even got my parents to fall in love with her. Actions speak louder than words–they will never admit this, but she was more important than anyone in our family. My parents had never a dull moment under her charm. To witness your parents spend prolonged time with an outsider over you doesn’t just hurt–it festers. I learned to look the other way and told myself this is how all relationships must be.

Now that I’m walking away from this toxic relationship, I see Busyness wasn’t always this way. She used to be Work.

Busyness might look like Work, but she’s not.

I keep Busyness happy as long as I do all the things she asks me to do. She helps piece together my alibi to tell others I was busy for a x number of hours. I indulge only in those activities that others can understand and that I can point to. For her, it’s all about the image.

Work was different. I could either suceed or fail at Work. She wasn’t obssessed about her image because she knew there was a lot that went into Work, visible and invisible, and that not all activities would look like Work.

You don’t reach success by going full throttle, all the time.

Busyness is about maintenance; Work was about learning.

Familiarity breeds safety, and Busyness wants me to keep doing what I’ve always been doing.

With Work, I’d often find myself in uncomfortable and unfamiliar situations. Initially, I’d put in hard work, and it wouldn’t even seem to count. However, Work was a very patient teacher. When I put in work over weeks and months I’d start to notice progress, and I would see results–whether success or failure.

Unless I deliberately choose Work, it’s Busyness by default.

No one had to introduce me to Busyness. And no one is helping me get reacquainted with Work. There’s a lot of inertia and resistance, and it’s on me to choose one over the other.

Like any relationship, it takes time to distance myself, and I’m in the between phase.

Busyness was my first love, and her jealousy confined me, convincing me her world is all there is. She helped me procrastinate and veiled my eyes from Work for as long as she could. And it worked. To a master procrastinator, “Do your Work then play” or “Work hard, play hard” doesn’t sound attractive. I still procrastinate to this day, just not with Busyness.

Some procrastinators find ways to be incredibly productive behind Busyness’s back. For me, facing Work gave me so much anxiousness, I completely avoided that by letting Busyness take over my life.

Stepping back, I’ve sighted an untrodden third path other than Busyness and Work that’s been there all along–being still.

Amid all the Busyness, amid all the stress and worry that comes from Work, I now sit still. And it’s a working progress.