Farewell Not-Identity
I’ve suffered from a chronic identity crisis as young as I could remember. Or at least that’s the story I’ve been telling myself.
- It’s chronic because it’s been repeated and reinforced more times than I could remember.
- I’ve reminded myself this story lies at the core my identity. I can never turn my back on it and it permeates my past and present.
- I’ve decided to label this story as a crisis, a trauma in which I played no role.
I’ve started to see chinks in this all-encompassing narrative. Instead of positively affirming who I am, my identity has been not-identity, a series of negative definitions of who I am not.
- I am not a let down pushed me to excel. I put in good work and finish things on time not because this is the mark of a professional but because I’m fearful of what others may say about me. I’m striving to be everything to everyone and end up being nothing.
- I am not a weak person. It pushed me to get those reps in and complete those sets especially during strenuous physical activities. I didn’t (and still don’t) have enough confidence to look myself in the mirror, dream of my ideal physique, and tell myself I could be attractive someday. It all seemed too vain and I avoided telling myself who I am.
- I am not a bad investor. Bad investors make demands of their portfolio companies. Bad investors don’t respond to messages asking for help. I avoided all the pitfalls of being a bad investor, but this didn’t help me see myself as an investor.
- “I can’t be what I say I am, but can be what others tell me I am” is how I got started with content creation. It felt much better than daring to claim an identity for myself. Twists and turns eventually placed me as a CEO of a company. Telling the story that I played no part in becoming CEO relieved me of responsibilities in case things didn’t work out.
The last time I asked “who am I” I was a teenager with a lot of angst, unsure of any and every thing. I learned to accept and be okay that I won’t have a clear definition of who I am. Unconsciously I started to negatively define myself in terms of who I am not. The journey to find myself took a backseat when I chose to live compliantly to other people’s best practices and draped the mantle of not-identity around me.
I’m not ignoring past events and experiences I’ve been through. What’s happened in my past was out of my control. However, I did have a choice about what story I told myself.
I want to do then be. Unless I let go of not-be to become be, I can’t do then be. Beating myself up over my identity doesn’t help at all in forming lasting habits.
I’m choosing to tell myself a different story and the not-identity ends today. I’m deciding to develop the habit of identity. I want to look in the mirror, dare to see myself as someone with an identity, committed to a journey. I’m walking away from the not-identity. I’m grateful for the not-identity for hand holding me through tough times and who it’s shaped me into, but it’s time to part ways.